Losing someone we care about is an inevitable part of life, and witnessing a friend or loved one navigate the pain of grief can be incredibly difficult. Many of us find ourselves wanting to offer support but feel lost, unsure of what to say or do. This uncertainty can sometimes lead to inaction, leaving the grieving person feeling isolated and unsupported during their most vulnerable time. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, but understanding how to provide effective support is crucial in helping those we care about through their bereavement.
This guide offers eight practical suggestions to help you positively and constructively support someone experiencing loss, providing them with comfort and strength when they need it most.
1. The Power of Presence: Just Be There
When someone is grieving, our first instinct is often to ask, “What can I do?” This desire to take action and alleviate their pain is admirable. We might think of practical help like preparing meals, assisting with childcare, or running errands. While these gestures are helpful, sometimes the most profound support is simply being present. Take the initiative to reach out and make contact. Remember, a grieving person is often in shock and may not be functioning at their best. They might not have the capacity to respond to well-intentioned but vague offers like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” They may not even know what they need in that moment. The initial step is to simply be there. Don’t overthink what to say or do. You might be surprised to learn that many people don’t recall specific words spoken at a funeral or during the immediate aftermath of a loss. However, they vividly remember who was present. Your presence itself is a powerful message of support. Just be genuinely yourself. The gift of your presence is invaluable to someone navigating grief.
2. Listen Actively: Create Space to Talk
In the days leading up to a funeral, there’s often a natural outpouring of stories and memories about the deceased. This sharing is a healthy part of the initial grieving process. Unfortunately, this open dialogue often fades shortly after the funeral service. Research highlights that a significant factor in unresolved grief is the lack of adequate social support. Simply put, people need to talk, and that means others need to listen. In fact, it’s more accurate to say that grieving individuals need to talk, and talk, and talk, having repeated opportunities to revisit memories and recount the life and death of their loved one. You might find they share the same stories repeatedly. Encourage this. While it might be emotionally taxing for the listener, each retelling is a necessary step in processing the loss. Show you care by taking the time to understand their grief journey. Give them permission to share by asking open-ended questions like:
- “Could you tell me a little about what happened?”
- “What was [the deceased person] like?”
- “How did you two meet?”
- “What are some of your favorite memories of them?”
- “How have things been since the loss?”
- “How are you feeling day to day?”
- “What are some of the biggest challenges you’re facing right now?”
Remember the importance of active listening. Know when to be quiet and truly listen. Simple listening cues like maintaining eye contact, leaning in slightly, and nodding occasionally can encourage the grieving person to open up and share their feelings. These non-verbal cues send a powerful message: “You are important, what you’re saying matters, and I am here to listen to everything you need to share.”
3. Normalize Grief: Understanding Varied Reactions
Understanding the multifaceted nature of grief and its diverse manifestations is key to providing effective support. Grief is an emotional response to a significant loss, and it expresses itself in countless ways, with varying intensity, and in unique combinations. In essence, grief is unpredictable, making it challenging to define or categorize neatly as “normal.” What one person experiences as grief can be vastly different from another’s, yet both can be perfectly normal responses. Our individual grief response is a unique blend of numerous emotions. These can include shock, disbelief, numbness, crying, confusion, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, loneliness, despair, sadness, helplessness, frustration, irritability, resentment, fatigue, sleep disturbances, physical symptoms, and even lowered self-esteem. All of these emotions are within the spectrum of normal grief. Often, people experiencing this emotional upheaval may feel like they are losing their minds. Reassure them that they are not. They are experiencing normal grief. They might benefit from professional help to navigate these intense feelings, and that is perfectly okay. While you may not be a therapist, you can offer immense comfort simply by helping them understand that their feelings are valid and normal within the context of grief. By offering this reassurance, you provide a powerful form of emotional support.
4. Validate Feelings: Legitimize the Grieving Process
Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel.” While said with good intentions, these words can inadvertently minimize the grieving person’s unique experience. You cannot truly know exactly how they feel; you only know how you felt when grief touched your own life. Each loss is deeply personal and unique to the individual grieving. Grief is influenced by the specific relationship with the deceased, the circumstances surrounding the loss, and many other personal factors. While you might have experienced loss yourself, someone else’s grief journey may be profoundly different, and it’s crucial to validate their individual experience. Instead of claiming to know their feelings, focus on validating them. Let the person know that it is okay to grieve, however they need to. Grief can be confusing and manifest in unexpected behaviors. Often, societal messages encourage people to “be strong” and suppress their emotions. Grieving individuals may be subconsciously seeking permission to grieve openly and honestly. They might be testing whether it is safe to express their deepest, most vulnerable feelings to you. Telling someone “don’t cry” when tears are welling up is denying them permission to grieve. Phrases like “you need to be strong,” “life goes on,” or quickly changing the subject to something lighter can send the message that their grief and emotions are unacceptable or uncomfortable for you. Perhaps you simply feel ill-equipped to handle their intense emotions, which is understandable. However, if you genuinely want to offer support, reassure them that you are comfortable with their tears, their anger, their sadness, or any other emotion associated with grief. Let them know you accept them as they are in this difficult time—vulnerable, weak, and in pain. Your role is not to “fix” them or imply they should be “doing better.” Often, there’s a pivotal moment in conversation where a friend’s voice cracks, their mouth trembles, and tears well up. In that moment, say very little, or perhaps nothing at all. Instead, reach out and offer a gentle touch, a hand on their arm, to communicate silently that it’s okay to let go and express the grief they are holding inside.
5. Tolerate Anger: Understand Misdirected Emotions
Prepare yourself for the possibility of encountering anger directed at you or others. This anger is usually not a personal reflection on you or your attempts to help. Avoid reacting defensively or withdrawing your support when anger surfaces. The challenge with anger in grief is that it’s often misdirected. Grieving people might express anger towards doctors, clergy, funeral directors, friends—virtually anyone. The root cause of this anger is simple: no one can give them what they desperately want – the return of their loved one. An irreversible event has occurred, and the profound sense of helplessness in the face of this reality fuels anger. They are angry because they feel abandoned by the loss. But where does this anger land? Often, on whoever is present when the overwhelming frustration spills over. It’s crucial to understand that the anger is not truly directed at you personally, even when it feels that way. Be realistic about the limitations of your support. You cannot take their pain away. Despite your best efforts, you cannot undo the loss or fully alleviate their suffering. This doesn’t mean your support is futile; it simply means you need to be realistic about what you can offer.
6. Offer Hope: Reassure a Path Forward Exists
While acknowledging the deep pain and difficulty of grief, it’s essential to offer hope. Hope that the intense pain will eventually lessen. Hope that life can regain meaning and purpose. Hope that even amidst suffering, there can be a sense of purpose or a path forward, even if it’s unclear in the present moment. This sense of hope can bring comfort, the realization that things will gradually improve, and the strength to carry on. This is why grief support groups can be incredibly beneficial. They connect newly bereaved individuals with others who have navigated similar losses and are finding ways to rebuild their lives. Witnessing others who have survived profound grief offers a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of a dark tunnel, even if it feels distant initially. Offering hope involves consistently reassuring the grieving person that with courage and time, the pain will subside, and life will continue. It’s a gentle reminder that strength is often found in vulnerability. Your confidence in their ability to navigate this difficult journey can instill courage and self-belief during moments of profound self-doubt.
7. Time is Essential: Grief Unfolds at Its Own Pace
Always remember that grief takes time. There’s no universal timeline for grieving, and everyone’s journey is unique. Grief often extends far beyond societal expectations or allowances. We often place unrealistic timeframes on grieving individuals, expecting them to “get over it” within a relatively short period. While the most acute reactions of grief typically lessen within six to twelve months, it’s widely recognized that some aspects of grief can take years to process and integrate. The grieving person must set the pace for their own healing journey. As friends and family, our role is to walk alongside them on that journey, offering support and understanding. We cannot “fix” them, make decisions for them, or dictate the pace of their grief. But we can be present. We can walk beside them, letting them know they are not alone. They will deeply appreciate your presence and unwavering support, and you will have made a profound difference in someone’s life.
And ultimately, making a positive difference in someone’s life is the greatest reward.
