The phrase “they don’t serve breakfast in hell” might sound like a line from a cheesy action movie, but it’s actually a lyric from a song. A Christian contemporary music (CCM) song, to be precise. And not just any CCM song, but a track called “Breakfast” by the Newsboys. For those unfamiliar with late 90s Christian music, this revelation might be as perplexing as finding out your grandma listens to death metal. Yet, dive into the world of “Breakfast,” and you’ll uncover a song that’s as bewildering as it is memorable, primarily for its utterly strange premise and that unforgettable line: “they don’t serve breakfast in hell.”
Upon first listen, confusion is the most natural reaction. Is it a worship song about breakfast? Is it some kind of bizarre food-themed hymn? The reality is far stranger. “Breakfast” is, unbelievably, a song about mourning a friend’s death by celebrating his favorite thing in life: breakfast. Yes, you read that right.
Alt text: A cereal bowl filled with grey ashes, symbolizing the bizarre funeral imagery in the Newsboys’ song “Breakfast” and the line “they don’t serve breakfast in hell”.
The song mashes together breakfast puns (“Rise up Fruit Loop lovers, sing out Sweet and Low”) with funeral imagery (“With spoons held high, we bid our brother Cheerio”). It’s a tonal tightrope walk between lighthearted humor and, well, the stark reality of death. And then, there’s the damnation warning, the lyrical gem that has ensured this song’s, albeit strange, legacy: “they don’t serve breakfast in hell!”
“Breakfast” wasn’t some obscure album filler. It was a genuine hit. It spent 13 weeks on the CCM charts, peaking at No. 4 in January 1997. Think about that for a moment. While Toni Braxton, the Spice Girls, and Blackstreet dominated the mainstream charts, the Newsboys were riding high in the Christian charts with a song about cereal and eternal damnation. The track was so popular (or perhaps, so uniquely Newsboys) that it appeared on nine different albums, including multiple “Greatest Hits” collections. Clearly, the Newsboys were proud of “Breakfast,” and a significant chunk of the Christian music fanbase was, shall we say, consuming it.
However, time has not been kind to “Breakfast.” While undeniably colorful, the song can feel, at times, remarkably tasteless. Let’s delve into some of the lyrics to understand why the phrase “they don’t serve breakfast in hell” is just the tip of the iceberg of this song’s oddity.
Consider these opening lines:
Hold the milk, put back the sugar / They are powerless to console, We’re gathered here to sprinkle ashes / From our late friend’s cereal bowl
The song immediately sets a scene of mourning, but with a deeply strange twist. Friends are gathered not to scatter ashes in a serene location, but to sprinkle them from their deceased friend’s cereal bowl. Leaving aside the questionable hygiene and general irreverence of storing ashes in a food bowl, it raises some unsettling questions. Are they planning to reuse that bowl? The imagery is…unappetizing, to say the least. Imagine the ghostly cereal milk residue.
Then there’s the “Breakfast Clubber” motto:
Breakfast clubbers, say the motto / That he taught us to repeat: ‘You will lose it in your gym class / If you wait till noon to eat’
This lyric paints a picture of a high school breakfast club obsessed with…gym class performance. It’s a niche concern, to put it mildly. The idea that a core tenet of this breakfast club, founded by the deceased, was about optimizing gym performance through timely breakfast consumption is wonderfully, awkwardly nerdy. It’s the kind of detail that makes you wonder about the Newsboys’ high school experiences and whether they spent more time strategizing breakfast clubs than, say, dating.
Moving on, we get a glimpse into the social dynamics of this breakfast-loving group:
Back when the chess club said our eggs were soft / Every Monday he’d say grace and hold our juice aloft / Oh, none of us knew his check-out time would come so soon / But before his brain stopped waving, he composed this tune.
Apparently, the breakfast club faced mockery from the chess club regarding their egg preferences. The chess club. This detail further solidifies the image of a group existing on the fringes of high school social hierarchy, finding camaraderie in early morning meals and shared gym class anxieties. The line about composing the tune “before his brain stopped waving” adds another layer of dark, almost comical, morbidity.
And then, we arrive at the chorus, the heart of the song, and the source of our keyword phrase:
When the toast has burned / And all the milk has turned / And Captain Crunch is waving farewell / When the Big One finds you / May this song remind you that / They don’t serve breakfast in hell
Here it is. “They don’t serve breakfast in hell.” The Newsboys use the concept of breakfast, this mundane morning ritual, to deliver an evangelical warning. The implication is clear: hell is a breakfast-less wasteland. This raises the genuinely absurd question: what would breakfast in hell actually look like?
Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about some cartoonish, torture-themed breakfast buffet. Instead, imagine the most soul-crushing, joyless breakfast imaginable. Unstirred Greek yogurt. Fruit salad consisting only of honeydew and bland spam. Instant coffee. Decaf. That’s breakfast in hell. The ultimate punishment, according to the Newsboys, is not fire and brimstone, but a truly terrible breakfast experience.
The song continues with more lyrical oddities, including the unforgettable “pine pajamas” line:
Breakfast clubbers dropped the hankie / Though to some our friend was odd / That day he bought those pine pajamas / His check was good with God
“Pine pajamas.” It’s a phrase that’s both bizarre and strangely evocative. While its meaning in the song is somewhat unclear, the sheer unexpectedness of “pine pajamas” adds to the overall surreal quality of “Breakfast.”
Those here without the Lord, how do you cope? / For this morning we don’t mourn like those who have no hope / Oh, rise up Fruit Loop lovers, sing out Sweet and Low/With spoons held high, we bid our brother Cheerio
The song concludes by pivoting back to its evangelical message, contrasting the “hopeful” mourning of believers with the “hopeless” mourning of non-believers. It circles back to the breakfast puns, urging “Fruit Loop lovers” and “Cheerio” wielders to raise their spoons in tribute.
“Breakfast,” by the Newsboys, is a song that defies easy categorization. It’s a bizarre mix of mourning, breakfast food puns, damnation warnings, and high school breakfast club nostalgia. Whether it’s a genuine tribute or a “travesty,” as some might argue, one thing is undeniable: the line “they don’t serve breakfast in hell” has cemented its place in CCM history, if only as a testament to the wonderfully weird corners of 90s Christian music. And perhaps, the next time you face a truly terrible breakfast, remember the Newsboys’ warning: it could be worse. You could be in hell, where, apparently, they really don’t serve breakfast.
